Fan Stories

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Fan Stories

Post by Mercedes on Mon Nov 02, 2009 3:05 pm

This is where all those who wish to write books can get ideas for names (etc.) for characters in their books and if they want exerpts. If they put up exerpts please do not take their ideas for your own!!! That's plagerizing (i no i didn't spell that correctly but u no wat i mean). Be warned that this could happen so I don't reccomend that you post exerpts...

Can anyone start naming some names? Fist or last or both! Very Happy
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Re: Fan Stories

Post by Mercedes on Wed Nov 11, 2009 10:48 am

Question Question Question Question Question Question Question Question Question Question Question Question Question Question Question Question Question Question Question Question Question
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Re: Fan Stories

Post by Mercedes on Sun Nov 22, 2009 12:43 pm

The Dark Hearts Series Book 1:
Dark Hearts
By:
Lana Danzen (Me)



Introduction:
I’d always wondered what I wanted to be when I grew up. Maybe a lawyer, a doctor, or even a psychiatrist. I never would have guessed I would be what I am now. Some people call me a demon, a devil’s child or a dark heart.
I am a Vampire.
Actually, I am a Hunter. I was changed by someone I thought I could trust and call a friend. Julia. Julia… I miss her. But I am glad she is in prison. She can curse no others as she did to me.
In my world, there are four types of Vampires: Hunters, Protectors, Royals, and non-Royals. The Royals are the most populous group and treat the non-Royals as slaves, servants and anything else they want. Both the Royals and the non-Royals (the true Vampires), have supper pale skin, ultra small waists and fangs that always point but extend when being used to feed. They also have special powers, (control of the elements, psychic abilities, and control of time/space, etc).
Royals are born from Royals and non-Royals are born from secondary vampires and/or non-Royals.
All Vampires are immortal, but only the true Vampires can stop aging at will. True Vampires are born, while secondary Vampires (Hunters and Protectors) are created. Vampires can be killed by sunlight, blood drainage and decapitation.
Secondary Vampires are made by the exchange of blood from a human and a Vampire, then death to the human. We wake up as Vampires at midnight. That’s how the ‘Night’s children’ nickname was formed.
There is only one difference between Protectors and Hunters. Protectors have a bond with the Vamps that change them. Both of us are ‘reborn’ with the instinct to hunt, kill, and protect so we have no need for training facilities. We already have the skill and instinct of fully trained assassins and guardians so all we have is one Testing to see if we are one of the Hunters or Protectors.
Then there are the Zombies. The Zombies are complicated and difficult to explain. When humans are being turned into Vampires, they can turn into secondary Vampires or Zombies. When the humans reach the death stage of the transformation and they wake up before or after midnight, they become rotting corpses that live an immortal life hunting people to devour intestines, blood and bones. They still think and they know exactly what they are doing, even when they are killing without mercy. When Zombies are created, they are as slow as snails, but the more blood and gore the Zombies consume; the faster, more powerful and difficult to kill they become.
Being a Hunter I have memorized and perfected the rules and methods of Zombie assassination. The rules: Have no Mercy; Double Check the Bodies; and Follow Rules 1 and 2. The ways to kill a Zombie:
1) Shoot through the heart or head and decapitate
2) Force into sunlight or burn with fire
3) Impale/stake through the heart with a bronze fire-infused stake or sword.

Sometimes I wonder why the Zombies declared war on the Vampires. Maybe they did it out of jealousy for having to live an immortal life as an evil, hideous creature while the Vampires lived a life in luxury for eternity. Maybe they did it out of rage for them turning them into the monsters they became after being told that they would become glorious creatures of the Night. Maybe both. I don’t know and I doubt anyone will ever know.
The Zombie population was rapidly increasing and the Vampires’ was rapidly decreasing. For some reason a lot of the changes had been making Zombies and that meant that there were less new Vampires.

I have been both the Hunter and the hunted. I have saved and I have killed. My name is Adrianna Eliza Ramsey; I have been twenty for ten years now. This is my story.



Last edited by Rose Hathaway on Sun Dec 06, 2009 11:29 am; edited 1 time in total
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Re: Fan Stories

Post by Javier Cross on Sun Nov 22, 2009 1:23 pm

Why do i somehow suspect that it'll take an entire army of Olympian Demigods who aren't the children of Zeus, Poseidon, or Hades, to even take out just one Legion of Zombies, and even then, there's collateral damages to worry about? Suspect

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Re: Fan Stories

Post by Mercedes on Sun Nov 22, 2009 5:56 pm

Probably because its true. In the 3rd or 4th chapter you get your first taste of Zombie attacks... Smile In chapter 2 you get your first taste of Amelia and Michael's bad@55ery.
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Re: Fan Stories

Post by Javier Cross on Sun Nov 22, 2009 6:11 pm

Rose Hathaway wrote:Probably because its true. In the 3rd or 4th chapter you get your first taste of Zombie attacks... Smile In chapter 2 you get your first taste of Amelia and Michael's bad@55ery.

Dang it...you mean to tell me that the children of Kronos's Immortal Sons could take out a few legions of those Super-Zombies, at least, with just one of them, but any more than a few, each, and unless they're as powerful as the half-mortal children of the ancient times[or for that matter, Percy, Thalia, and the Di Angelo Siblings!] They're done for? pale

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Re: Fan Stories

Post by Isabella Black on Wed Nov 25, 2009 10:33 pm

That was interesting, that Dark Hearts Series!

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Re: Fan Stories

Post by Mercedes on Sun Dec 06, 2009 11:27 am

Thanks.

I changed the characters' names.

Here are the changes:

1. Amelia- Adrianna
Why? Amelia means industrious while Adrianna means dark

and I added some too:

2. Serge
3. Roxana
4. Lord Cirilo
5. Lady Regina

I am currently working on chapter four.... and editing the previous chapters.

I edited the post with the intro to put the new stuff in...
Very Happy
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Re: Fan Stories

Post by Mercedes on Sun Dec 06, 2009 11:31 am

Excuse me for double posting but- I have a question.

Does this in anyway sound like, resemble, etc. Twilight?
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Re: Fan Stories

Post by swimminggeek272 on Sun Dec 06, 2009 11:49 am

Not Twilight but I detect hints of VA. And instead of double-posting, you could always just edit your previous post. Razz

It's interesting. I just have to say, include some flaws within each race. Level the playing field.
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Re: Fan Stories

Post by Javier Cross on Sun Dec 06, 2009 11:50 am

I don't think so, because if it does, it wouldn't have required Legions of Olympian Demi-Gods who aren't the children of Kronos's sons, just to wipe out otherwise impossible odds!

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Re: Fan Stories

Post by Mercedes on Sun Dec 06, 2009 12:10 pm

swimminggeek272 wrote:Not Twilight but I detect hints of VA. And instead of double-posting, you could always just edit your previous post. Razz

It's interesting. I just have to say, include some flaws within each race. Level the playing field.

true to both. I guess it is similar to VA but does anyone get hung in VA? or burned alive? or- well never mind. If i said the last one that would be the end of the story id be giving away...
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Re: Fan Stories

Post by Javier Cross on Sun Dec 06, 2009 12:11 pm

Unless they were just facing execution, no to the hanging, and unless its Strigoi involved, no to that, either.

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Re: Fan Stories

Post by Mercedes on Sun Dec 06, 2009 12:14 pm

I deleted it.


Last edited by Mercedes on Sun Jan 03, 2010 4:36 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Re: Fan Stories

Post by Javier Cross on Sun Dec 06, 2009 12:20 pm

Does this Cross ever get to redeem himself, somehow, at least? ):

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Re: Fan Stories

Post by swimminggeek272 on Sun Dec 06, 2009 12:34 pm

Chapter 1 critique:
-"I rolled my eyes at her and grabbed the glass downing it in three gulps. " –Nobody can drink vodka like that…especially straight up vodka. It’s too strong.
-“into me own”- “my own” right?
-“soon so overcome with a pure bliss”- VA much? XD
-“He’s very old-fashioned and lives with the same morals”-Change of tense
-It’s confusing where you jump from the first paragraph to the second paragraph. At first, I thought it was the midnight after her change because of the indicator. But it moved on to sometime ahead. Have the story flow between the paragraphs to indicate when it really is.
-“Midnight is actually like 5 AM”-omit the like.
-She likes black and I get that but sometimes you don’t need to tell us every single article of clothing she wears. In other words, instead of saying “the black t-shirt that blah blah blah”, you could just say “the t-shirt on top of the chair”
-“I have had some”- Change to “I had some”
-“Pride goeth before the fall.”-Italicize it to acknowledge that it’s a thought. Or you could also quote it as it’s not your character’s own words.


Chapter 2:
-“punched my in the face”- “my” to “me” or you could say “punched my face”…either or
-She has visions too? Congrats on having her fail the trial but please don’t make her into an MS.
-“he fell flat on his butt” You also need to stop your MC so she doesn’t trip over him. Or have her step over him.
-No need to keep repeating how much she loves black. Though a Ferrari is pretty awesome.
“I am your worst nightmare”-Used way too much. Think of an original saying that freaks people out.
-When she approaches town, you can’t have her blast Metallica at 40…neighbors do complain (just being realistic here)
-Nice HP reference there (referring to the Vamptown thingy)

I'll finish the rest later.


Last edited by swimminggeek272 on Sun Dec 06, 2009 12:54 pm; edited 1 time in total (Reason for editing : Added chapter two)
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Re: Fan Stories

Post by Mercedes on Sun Dec 06, 2009 1:36 pm

Ummm... I know there are type-oes. I can fix those. I am going back, changing things and the first i am going to do is the pure bliss. I couldn't think of any thing else so I put it down.
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Re: Fan Stories

Post by swimminggeek272 on Sun Dec 06, 2009 2:04 pm

Chapter 3:
“Bloody Maries” Because Bloody Mary is a name, you don’t plural-ize it the same way. You just add the “s” to indicate more than one.
Do you know where the term Bloody Mary originally came from? You might want to know before you describe the drink.
“soooo not spending the” Don’t add extra “o”s; italicize “so” to emphasize it
Hmm…slightly MS moment fighting the zombies but natural so I’ll let it go
I don’t really remember any plane having a bedroom with a bathroom in it…

Chapter 4:
O.O 26 hours?! I don’t think it takes that long to get to Romania by plane. Especially a private one like the one they’re on.
Could you be more clear about this race and accompanying powers? I’m a bit confused about it.
This chapter was rather short…I hope you expand it later.

And that's all the notes for now! ^^
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Re: Fan Stories

Post by Mercedes on Sun Dec 06, 2009 2:08 pm

True Vamps have random powers that they specialize in.

About the plane thing- i looked it up. From Las Vegas and Gas stops? 20-30 hours
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Re: Fan Stories

Post by swimminggeek272 on Sun Dec 06, 2009 2:42 pm

Even with a private plane? Generally they run through their own course and are smaller so it takes less gas.
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Re: Fan Stories

Post by Mercedes on Tue Dec 08, 2009 3:14 pm

The one I looked at was commercial but private would only shave off like 4-6 hours right? Right now, I am working on finishing it then I will go back and revise what I have over Christmas vacation... Plus, its a jumbo jet.. Very Happy


Last edited by Mercedes on Wed Dec 23, 2009 5:26 am; edited 1 time in total
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Re: Fan Stories

Post by Javier Cross on Wed Dec 09, 2009 3:22 pm

Can Vampire Zombies Fly?

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Re: Fan Stories

Post by Mercedes on Wed Dec 09, 2009 6:23 pm

??????

There can't be any Vampire-Zombies....
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Re: Fan Stories

Post by Javier Cross on Wed Dec 09, 2009 7:38 pm

Would Vampires Fly?They used to be able to take flight, in the Ancient Times.

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Why did Lissa had to get stuck in a Vampiress's body, again?




What would you have done if you were in Mr. Tohsaka's shoes?


Admit it, you know its Badass! afro lol! Razz
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Re: Fan Stories

Post by Mercedes on Wed Dec 16, 2009 4:46 pm

I- ummm- idk
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